I’m Paige, I’m in my mid-20s, and despite the fact that I started this blog on January 1, 2020, while searching for a new job in a new state, I don’t believe in fresh starts. I believe in destruction and leaving, and I believe in this knowing you can never really leave your past or your self behind.
In 2019, I quit my job on an impulse and moved halfway across the country. I’ve lived in the Northeast, Midwest, South, West Coast, and even the U.K. briefly, but never the mountains. Over time, the itch for crisp mornings, snow, mountain views, and the smell of pine became unbearable, especially during another scorching Los Angeles summer, until I knew: I had to go.
When I moved to Colorado, I imagined I would have all the time and inspiration in the world to write. After all, that’s what I am, or at least imagine myself to be: a writer. For work I mostly edit, but creative writing, books, and literature have always been the passion.
Yet, here I am, months later, and I haven’t written a thing.
I believe in resolutions as much as I believe in fresh starts, so I’m not making any promises about my writing frequency. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a struggling and fucked-up person. I just want this space here, ready, if/when I need it.
The thing about living alone in the mountains is, yes, you get to prove to yourself and the few people you’ve remained in touch with that you are independent and capable of keeping yourself company. But then the pendulum swings too far, and you forget how to speak, write, interact. When I talk to people I have nothing to say because I am so accustomed to never saying anything to anyone.
What follows, of course, is when I sit down at my computer, I find I have absolutely nothing to write about. My mind is blank.
I’m not very good at being a human. I run and I hide and I destroy. I’ve burned a lot of bridges I don’t know that I can repair, and in the wake the emptiness is not full of possibility: it’s just silent and lonely. But maybe, here, with less pressure and more patience, I’ll remember I have things to say, and I can create something from all the ash.
